Welcome to trancyndence!
My name is Cynthia, also known as Reverend Doctor Cyndi, and I will be your Hostess with the mostest with a little something extra but please don’t talk about that because I have a hard enough time living with it even though it’s not
so get your mind out of the gutter!
This is a blog to make you laugh while I offer my perspective on life. Most of my personal issues are very painful and can never be fully resolved but through that pain I can find humor. Throughout my life, I have endured tremendous adversity and am now writing the twisted tale that is my existence.
When I was born, I was cast away and never to return, or so they say, which is to say that I was the commodity in a closed adoption…an unwanted yet wanted baby, someone who was chosen but first un-chosen. There are uniqe challenges that all adoptees must face in life and I am no exeption to that and may be considered rather exceptional due to the experiences in which I have endured throughout this condition more commonly called life.
This blog is here for me to give my perspective on some of the challenges we all face in our lives and some that many of us don’t. I have had many experiences that have all played a part to shape who I am today. Of course, being adopted makes that more challenging because of the ghosts of who I was but wasn’t supposed to be, who I became as a result of this shift in identity, who I am despite my past and who I could have been, but am not anymore and doubt I ever really was, follow me all the time. This entire shift in my life happened on the day I first entered this world and has gotten way more complicated as time has gone on.
If being adopted wasn’t enough, I am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. As much as I refuse to live my life as a victim, the truth is that I was on several occasions when I had no say and no power to stop it. If there’s one thing that is indisputable, taking the innocence from a child (which is to say someone not developed enough to distinguish right from wrong) is the most heinous crime that can be perpetrated on another human being. While those episodes are now very far in the past, when I think about them it really just pisses me off so I do what many others do, I block them out realizing that what’s past has past and crying about it doesn’t help anyone, including me so I persevere.
My formative years were rife with strife and it was a miserable time in my life but somehow I made it through that and continued to put up that facade of living someone else’s life even though it was my own. I was an early bloomer when it came to puberty but a late bloomer in many other regards. Somehow I managed to find girls to go out with but internal issues always kept me held back. Eventually, I decided on one and went with her for several years. I knew she wasn’t the one I was looking for but kept her around because she always fulfilled that carnal desire that we all have. All the while, I knew it wasn’t going to last; as it didn’t.
One night I was hanging out with a friend of mine, his sister, and his aunt; I had known all of them for many years. Somehow throughout the night of December 27, 1997, things got really blurry but absolutely clear at the same time. While the focus of the night was supposed to be just 2 guys comraderating over a few beers the introduction of off-limit females turned out to have been to much. He got way to drunk and passed out, meanwhile I was left with 2 available girls who were both were making it very clear that they were and I chose the older one.
Sometimes we all must make a choice and at the time, that was the choice I made. I took her down that night and a few months later got married to her. For better or worse was the pact we made and it was so much better for a while but eventually got so much worse but I stayed in it because I felt an obligation to my sacred vows. While I am no longer married, I consider it to be a successful one as I was widowed several years ago at the ripe old age of 32.
A few years after my wife died, I fell into deep depression and was forced to confront the other major issue in my life, one that was secret and never talked about to anyone. From a very early age, I realized that I was uncomfortable with my gender and the role that I was supposed to play. After 35 years of life, I could no longer contain this very uneasy feeling. I needed to become authentically me, whoever that was.
Five years ago, I made peace with my gender incongruence and began transitioning in order to live out the remainder of my time here, happily, as the woman that I feel I should have been all along. Being transsexual is a difficult road to travel, but I believe that it is worth it or at the very least, will prove to be at a later date.
Not all of you may find all of the content here relevant to your own existence, but I hope that you will find something of value. I am just beginning to tell my tale and I have no idea where it will end up, but that’s what makes it fun.
At the end of the day, I’m just one woman who is trying to do her part in making this world a better place.
Thanks for stopping by,