Who the hell do you think you are anyway?

You aren’t the first one to ask and that isn’t the first time I’ve ever heard that but let me tell you that I have been pondering that question all my life too. In the simplest terms, I am someone without a past or someone who doesn’t know where I originally came from or at the very least what rock I crawled out from under, assuming that I crawled out from underneath a rock but I can’t be too sure of that because I might have fallen straight from space but space is full of a whole lot of nothing and I couldn’t have came from nothing so there must have been a rock somewhere and that rock must have been an asteroid but that’s highly unlikely and not to mention improbable so the most logical conclusion that I have come up thus far is that I was the unwanted and unexpected by-product of a highly classified social experiment that went awry back it the mid-seventies but eventhough that makes absolutely no sense at all, it is positively the absolute truth in some way or so I’m led to believe. Chances are I’m just like everyone else in regards to my origins in so much as to say that somebody pushed me out of her crotch much in the same way that the rest of you entered this world but I differ from you in that I have no point of reference for that supposed event and when I really sit down and think about that, everything gets really cloudy because I really don’t know my past and therefore I can’t possibly expect to have any notion of what the future might hold for me or if there is a future at all but then again I am still sitting here so maybe it won’t be all that bad, but if some of the things that have happened to me in the past are any indication, then maybe the future doesn’t sound so great and maybe I don’t even want to go there but I’m kind of sure that someday I’ll inevitably wind up there anyway so I have to wonder if I should just try and live in the present and not worry about the future but just after I wrote the word present, that has become the past and a new present is happening and the cycle is repeating itself and that could quite possible have great impact on the future…or not.

I would have to say that since the beginning of time or at least since I arrived here on this ball of dirt, I have spent most of that time pondering the deep philosophical questions in this condition more commonly called life. I question everything in order to try to achieve a greater understanding of the human condition although sometimes I really don’t feel human myself but I also don’t not feel human either so it must be something else but I’m not fully convinced of that either.  I observe everyone else in an effort to make sense of it all, but all of you make it very difficult for me because none of you are exactly like one another and I have never met anyone who is quite like me or even someone who looks like me for that matter.  I guess that I’m not unlike most everyone else as I do have a past that spans many years and have had many experiences that have shaped who I am today but on the other hand, I have only currently been me for a short little while in the grand scheme of things. Of course I have always been me, but I used to be someone else but I don’t think that I was really that someone else either because I was chosen to be that person yet before I was me, somebody un-chose me, negating who I was which of course was me in the beginning and that is not even close to who I am today and is certainly not who I was yesterday or maybe the day before that and most definitely not who I was a week ago last Wednesday because I didn’t know who I was then but I’m fairly certain that alcohol played some small part in that but I really can’t remember much of that even though I rarely forget much of anything when I am intoxicated which I used to be a whole lot but these days not so much so what should it matter anyway?

I often wonder what happened to me but since I am not really me anymore nor am I somebody else I think I am just going to have to try and accept that I am me and that’s pretty much all there is to it…but is there?  Probably not, but I can’t be too sure of that because I have no true knowledge of that person and neither do I have true knowledge of anything else because I don’t know if I truly know anything but at least I have a fairly good idea on the subject but there is a fine line between good ideas and bad ideas and I have no clue where that line is or even if there is a line and I don’t know if I have crossed it or if I am in any danger of crossing it or if I should just say damn the consequences and do it anyway so I’m just going to wing it from here and make it up as I go along and do what it is I think that I am supposed to be doing despite the resistance I get from everyone else.

There is a special plan for me or at least that is what I am led to believe because I have been told that God has a special plan for each and every one of us as we are all his children but I’m conflicted in that assessment considering some of the people I have seen that go around preaching His word. Ultimately if it is true that we are all God’s children then I can deduce that we are all part of the same family so I would say that I am the red-headed stepchild but not really because I’m naturally brunette but I wasn’t all that satisfied with that, and now I’m bottle-blonde so I guess that rules out the red-headed thing which just might make me the blond sheep of the family but that doesn’t make any sense at all because I’m not a sheep nor have I ever been a sheep to my knowledge and I’ve never heard of a blond sheep but there are white sheep so I could agree that that is similar to being blond but I’m going to have to defer to the cliché that I must be the black sheep in the family even though I’m not black but that doesn’t have anything to do with hair color because I’m blond but then again not really. Maybe I’m just that weird relative that no one ever talks about which concludes that you and I are family on some level and neither you nor I knew it until now but now that you know, I’m waiting to receive my invitation to our next family picnic and I’m beginning to worry what’s taking so long and why you never call me but then again I’m not letting it bring me down because I have plenty of other things to do of far greater importance that I’m not doing now because they can wait until tomorrow or maybe the next day or maybe two weeks from next Tuesday if I haven’t forgotten by then what they were or why they were important to begin with because I don’t perform miracles on demand so don’t expect one to happen any time soon but I might surprise you one of these days.

In the mean time, I can’t be bothered with the demands of our entire extended family because my parents give me enough grief and lucky for me I have five of them.  Of the five, I’m pretty sure that my mom and dad think I’m OK although they question my behavior far more than I do and they have been mentioning something about taking me to a farm but it doesn’t sound like this farm has any crops or chickens or goats so that has me wondering what they are implying because I realized long ago that I was not a farmer when I tried to grow some weed and couldn’t even get that right but they didn’t know about that failed endeavor of mine so please don’t tell them because it’s a secret and the only one I have left but I guess that it’s not anymore so I just can’t win.

My whole is existence was built on secrets. I used to have a lot of them and some of those just hid deeper secrets and more secrets that were so secret that I didn’t even know them.  The absolute truth about me is known only by my mother and she remains steadfast is her commitment to hide this secret although it really isn’t a secret so much as in all actuality many other people know it but refuse to recognize it because it seems like a lot more fun to keep a secret that really isn’t.  This, of course, is not how I see it yet it has my mother sitting on the fence and not ready to own up to her association with me as she thinks that some of the things that I have told her about myself are very contradictory and that has left her feeling very uneasy but I find that notion is preposterous because I always communicate my message quite clearly for the most part.

I have no idea what the other parent thinks as he is as much a mystery to me as I am to him and I don’t know if he has ever thought about looking for me but I doubt he has because most men don’t but if he did he’s in for a very difficult search because he would be looking for someone who I wasn’t and am not anymore.  Then again, nothing is stopping me from looking for him either except my mother who continues to be less than forthcoming with that information because she apparently likes living in the fog rather than facing reality. Perhaps I should try asking my Father again because I’m fairly certain that if there is someone else who knows who my other parent is it would be Him because He is omnipotent.  I’ve tried asking Him before, but His line of work keeps Him very busy and that leaves no time for me so I don’t hear from Him that much.  Instead, He prefers to give me gifts, some of which I didn’t ask for and really could have done without but I perservere because His gifts are never more than He knows I can handle because He loves me and when I say that, I mean He really loves me!  He loves me so very much that he ignores my prayers for Him to love me a little less but I have faith that one day He will at least cut me some slack.

My faith is what drives me and I also have great faith that someday all will be right in the world but then again my faith can be finicky at times as it is often tested and I know that there is something that I can do to in order to make the world a better place for all of us but I can’t put my finger on it right now.  Whatever it is, I’m fairly certain this is going to take a lot of work because faith will only get me so far and there is always work to be done but somehow I can’t seem to find any as nobody will hire me but that’s not entirely my fault as nobody seems to be hiring anybody these days for that matter but I still live have faith that someday it might get better but probably won’t so I have my doubts but they tell me that doubting is healthy and maybe it is but who are they to say and furthermore who exactly are they anyway? Yeah, I’m not sure either and the supposed existence of “they” makes me sound kind of paranoid which I am not but don’t let them know that because I’m trying to keep them guessing.

I hope that I have made myself quite clear and I’m pretty sure that you have it all figured out by now that I really am a mystery inside a riddle wrapped up in an enigma all of the while being so complex in my simplicity or maybe it’s the other way around because either way makes perfect sense. In any event, I don’t think that I’m going insane but I have not been certify that diagnosis yet, so call me crazy but I wouldn’t say that nor do I think that I have ever thought so so I can’t confirm or deny that my sanity is something that I have questioned at this time.  It is really not for me to judge but if it were then I might be inclined to agree but I told myself that I really shouldn’t go around claiming total sanity nor should I claim to be insane because either way would just be crazy even though there might be some underlying benefits to being crazy or at least that is what the little voice inside me says and it won’t shut up. That being said, my therapist has not given me any indication that I am anything less that a high-capacity individual with above average intelligence as I have successfully convinced her that I do not need to be institutionalized but she still refuses to recommend me for the full lobotomy that I have requested more times than I can remember because that seems to be the only way to put a stop to all this outside of vaginoplasty which would alleviate all of my concerns but doesn’t seem like it’s going to be happening any time soon.

Finally or to say it differently, last but not least because there is a lot more to it just not right now, I am living proof that when gender dysphoria and genealogical bewilderment are combined hilarity and hijinks will ensue even though I don’t find it all that funny.  I don’t know why I was chosen for this mission nor do I know what the point of it is or even if there is one at all but I will continue to try and explain it all to the best of my ability which is obviously not that good but is better than nothing so take it or leave it.  Who am I you ask? I don’t know. You tell me.