That was fast

 It’s an end of an era . 
So I got some really cryptic news via the one source that really means anything to most of us…the home bar is closing. Of course, you can’t get all your news from Facebook despite what many of us think.  I don’t check in that much anymore because of a few reasons.

  1.  It’s stupid and nobody really cares what I’m doing on any given day.
  2. At this point, it’s almost passé and everybody and their mother are now on it.
  3. It’s really just another way to advertise stuff that you don’t really want or need anyway.
  4. I still don’t understand why they always need to know my location.
  5. Soon enough, this trend will be over and there will be something new that everyone will embrace.

Or will we?

Much like the technological cycle, Chaoz has most likely run it’s course. In the beginning, there was Chaoz and eventually we made order out of it all. That has much more meaning for me because I was here in the beginning. In May of 2009, I first darkened the door, albeit as someone who was:

And that is an undeniable truth or something like it. Way back then, I was a different person and he died years ago. If you know a transgender person, then that statement makes sense. If you don’t know someone like that, look around, and if you find one and be respectful towards them as their life’s trajectory has most likely been infinitely harder than yours so be thankful for what you have.

Chaoz is a place that I come to to find peace and that might sound strange but it really isn’t because if you have ever been here, you know that it’s true. In the beginning, it was a rough place and I tried my best to play the part. While I put on the act of being a tough guy, that’s all it was. After a year, the facade came crashing down…I still remember the day I talked with Mike about the change in my appearance. 

Ultimately, everything was cool that day. I was told not to worry about a thing because this (of all places) was safe and they held true to their word for a little while at least. Once, I came in and was told that there was an issue with me using the bathroom; in a bar, people need to use the bathroom, right? Maybe someday they’ll get it in Chicago but I seriously doubt it!

A simple task like using the bathroom takes on a whole new meaning for a transgender person. I’ll probably touch more on that issue later but for now, I want to talk about the home bar…that isn’t any longer and it won’t ever be again. When I started coming to this place, I was a different person as I believe so many of us were back then.  All it takes is a few years and you’ll see that people do change; trust me, I saw a few familiar faces tonight that I haven’t seen in years…still familiar but definitely changed. I have too.

How do things like this happen? What once was a rough and tumble roadhouse, has tamed over the years. I don’t have any problem being there or using the bathroom anymore. While some people when pressed might know the name I was once known as, for the most part, everyone only knows me as who I am today. Outside of this bar, nobody knows who I was, only who I am today and that’s really all I could have ever asked for. I will truly miss Chaoz as that was a sanctuary for me. 

Many times, I walked (and stumbled) out of that bar, but no matter how much fun (or alcohol) I had, I always paid my tab at the end of the night; I never skipped out, until tonight. After 7 years, the streak has been broken but it wasn’t my fault this time. Tonight the power went out and I don’t believe that it was because someone didn’t pay their bill. Tonight instead of handing cash over the bar, I gave them my phone number…this can only mean one thing: I’m going to wind up there tomorrow!

It’s probably for the best as there’s probably more people I can or should say goodbye to. On second thought, I think I saw this movie earlier this summer but that’s a very twisted tale that I still haven’t figured out yet and probably shouldn’t even try. 

I didn’t plan on making my way back down to Chaoz but I just might have to. Perhaps it’s a stay of execution. Maybe we’ll get another posting or maybe we won’t; I just can’t really say right now. If I don’t get the chance, I hope that you all had a great night filled with the sweetest of dreams.

Until we meet again,


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