Have you ever fallen in love with someone only to tell you it’s not meant to be? 

It’s happened to me plenty of times. 

Sometimes, I wonder why it’s so easy to find this but so hard to make it work?

I have…

Sometimes we have break up:

Think about them for a minute.

Do you think that they learned to hate each other?

I bet they did…

Now think about yourself…

Have you ever wanted something and it t just ain’t happened yet?

Yeah, there’s a story here.

I’ll tell you all about it later.

This won’t break my heart don’t you know…
Been done far too many times and I’m done. I’m playing for love; always have been 

Love is a dangerous game.

I’m an Internet Star!

That doesn’t mean shit as it’s almost like saying that I’m a Porn Star

Anyone can be the former;

All you have to do is get everyone you’ve ever known to connect with you on social media and you’re in!

The real question is: what do you contribute to society?

For most of us, the answer is: NOTHING 

You’re probably better trying to become famous for fornicating on camera because we should all know that the term “porn star” is a very subjective term. 

Seriously, show me something I can use but most likely won’t!

Facebook is bullshit, it’s run by an evil globalist and Zuckerburg has you all right where he wants you!

Zuckerburg owns you!

Fuck Facebook!

Online life doesn’t matter at all. 

What really matters is how you interact in the real world with your real friends. 

I’m not really sure who my real friends are…

Perhaps some of you will speak up?

I went for a ride in the back of a police car tonight.

If getting drunk and hanging around with my second cousin is a crime, then I suppose that I’m guilty as charged.

I think the moral of the story is that some of us are completely, absolutely, bat-shit crazy and now I’m sitting in the local motel.

I didn’t get arrested as there was no charge that could have been placed on me. 

I still can’t believe that my second cousin called the cops on me but she did and here I am.  

Our relationship has always been more complicated than it would seem, but tonight it took a turn for the worse and here I am, in the roach motel, out of pocket fifty bucks for the privilege.

I did nothing wrong and everyone knows it, but when it comes down to someone with a penis versus someone with a vagina, the person with the penis is going to lose. That is the world we live in and it is patently unfair…and absurd if you really think about it. 

If women want equal rights, they had better start thinking a whole lot more rationally. Taking several rides on the cock carousel might sound like fun but there are consequences that comes with doing so. Women would be wise to start being more discerning about who they spread their legs for. 

Together, we have come a long way together without discussing this. Maybe it’s a little late, but I think the time has come to start this conversation. 

In order to set the record straight, I’m writing about love and not about sex but somehow we all seem to think that they are one in the same. We are wrong about that. Sex is easy to find and can come about rather quickly but love is so very  much more elusive and takes time to develop. I could have used that fifty bucks for some quick sex but instead, I’m sitting in a motel room, alone. 

As I was nearly arrested tonight, I had to explain to the police that everything was alright. I was having a conversation with a girl. That girl happens to be my second cousin but the situation is far more complicated than that simple statement . I think if anyone actually took the time to hear the full story, we would all surmise that there is nothing wrong with anything that transpired tonight. 

All I really want is companionship and I think that’s all she really wants too. That was the gist of the conversation. I never touched her, as that is somehow taboo. In the end, all we ever really need is companionship and I think the purpose of life is to find someone to love. 

I think I’ve tried to explain this to her but apparently it’s a no go. Throughout the years of human existence, cousin  relationships aren’t uncommon at all. It’s has been happening since the dawn of time. When you think about it, who better do you share a more intimate bond with? 

We can deny it all we want but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen. Just because you deny something doesn’t mean it’s not true.

The the easy part is that we can go along and find someone worth loving every other day. The hard part is finding someone who will love you in return. Unrequited love is a real bitch. Why is love so easy to give but so impossible to find?

No matter how it really happened, she called the police on me and I went for a ride in the back of a police car. I actually asked the cop to cuff me just so I could experience the real deal but he wouldn’t because apparently I’m harmless. It was actually a really fun time for me and I was asking the officer smart-assed questions the whole time. He was being as serious as he could be but I know that I made him laugh and that that alone made me happy. 

This whole experience has been kind of fun and it makes for a pretty good story but in all honesty, I wish it never happened. What really did happen tonight was this:

I love my second cousin and can imagine a future for us.

She does not love me the same way.

I lost a friend tonight.

This is strike three.

I can never trust her again and it’s time to break ties with her completely.

This is gonna hurt…

It started off as just a little show and tell of the age old question:

What’s in your purse?

Take a look inside yours…

What did you find?

Now it’s time to add some color…

…shouldn’t be too hard, but then again, it better be hard enough 

It all started with a conversation amongst friends 

Maybe this is the sum of male-female relations?

I’ve always thought there should be love involved 

Maybe there was and you just can’t see it

…or maybe it’s just the aftermath?

Who ever said photography can’t be art?

Whoever they are, they don’t know what they’re talking about 

I’m expecting a check from the National Endowment for the Arts any day now

  
Discharge is messy sometimes but it sure is a great lubricant 

If you get the chance,

bust a nut;

then be sure to leave a tip

sometimes, it’s only worth a few cents

Coming Soon?

  
Currently in negotiations for a new broadcasting opportunity 

If you like my voice and my ideas, you’re going to love this one as we’re working overtime to find our voice

Still don’t know why I’m the conduit, but we’re going for it. 

This isn’t about me

It’s about all of us

Let’s start working together for a change 

They might have the guns but we have the numbers 

There is great strength in numbers 

Please stay tuned 

Super Blowathon
Are you ready for some football?

  
Seems to happen every year and usually I sit it out because I find it to be pointless just like most of the rest of life. I really don’t care and I suspect many of us feel the same way. Usually, I stay in, as the roads are not someplace you want to be if you have been known to consume alcohol like I do but this year I decided to go out despite my better judgement.

If I really took pride in my work, I would have made this look a little nicer but obviously I don’t so without further adieu, here’s a list of observations in no particular order:

This event was not so much about who wins the game but rather who wins your heart. The heart won because we have to pander to the women

Apartments.com is going to have to rent out a shitload of places just to cover the cost of that ad…higher rent prices coming soon to a town near you 

Everyone should knock out pushing the man-in-a-dress joke. It’s cheap and no longer funny. Candy bars aren’t sexy, never have been, and when it comes to pushing a social agenda, you failed again

Oddly enough, there were no commercials from any of the large banking and financial firms but we all better believe that they had their hands in the cookie jar, they always do

Hold stock in Boeing. Did you see the flyover? Not bad for something designed 40 years ago and you all paid for that commercial too. Be proud America 

The toilets did not explode, yet again, for the 50th time in a row…I’m disappointed 

There was a little bit, very little bit, of a chance that Carolina could have come up with 15 points and they should have gone out with one more play…you could have ended this one as men and took another hit

With all that hype, the favored team went down and you’re going to avoid your bookie’s phone call tomorrow because they’re the real winners…always are

Depending on how you figure it, Peyton Manning is the all-time best ever, but then again, when you look at those stats, hey let’s just let him go with it already, he won the super bowl 

It’s called programming for a reason…quit sitting around, it’s time to go out shopping; Thanks for your continual support. Please go back to bed now America 

You aren’t making it into work on time…yeah, I’m talking to you…a 5 hit-one hitter? Beautiful concept! OK, maybe I’m talking to myself on this one but you know what I’m talking about 

and I’m a real pain for my sham friends.

Let’s all stop and give thanks for our families and good friends that have gone above and beyond for us wretched people and yet we’re all wretched people when we stop and think about it, right? 

I was talking on the phone with a friend a few nights ago…

Stop me if if you’ve heard that one before but I doubt you’ve heard this one, so here goes…

  
Sorry but I’m using this one again. Like it or not, this is the way it is. This ain’t nothing but a cover photo to show you who wrote this shit. 

Let’s set the stage for a minute: I have a friend of whom I consider a good one because we’re not directly involved in each other’s lives. For a long time, he lived on the west coast and since neither he nor I had the time or money to meet up and hang out together, we’ve had to rely on the phone for our communications. I think it’s worked out better this way as there’s really something to once personally knowing someone but then having to work to keep up the friendship by hearing our separate disembodied voices periodically. Distance apart has only helped us to work to make us closer.

I don’t check in with Brook on a daily basis as there is no need for that. He’s got his life and I’ve got mine and we’re often to busy doing our own things to care but every now and then it’s good to catch up with him and talk about life in general. I think friendships like that are very important because while we don’t care about the daily life, we do care enough to make the effort to keep it going. 

Brook and I first met about 12 years ago and we met through a then mutual friend named Chris who is no longer because we all make choices in our lives which also includes who we choose to remain friends with and those who we don’t and he happens to be one of the latter. Chris and I began our friendship in late 1980. 
Funny how nothing but the memories remain sometimes, isn’t it? The dateline was December 1980; my family had just moved to a new place called Centerville, Ohio. My dad worked for TV Travel during those years. It was a corporate job and my dad was one of the rising stars of the company. While I didn’t make the connection at the time because I was only 5, apparently, dad worked for the travel division of Top Value Enterprises. Sounds kind of generic doesn’t it? Maybe that’s the way we like it…the company has such a common name that you can’t tie them to anything because it’s so ambiguous. If anyone out there actually worked for Top Value Enterprises, please feel free to write me here and tell your story. 

This isn’t about corporate though; It’s about connections. My family had just moved to a new city and we’re looking to find friends. I have a memory of being told that someone at dad’s company was having a Christmas party and the host had a son that was my age and liked football cards too. There wasn’t any question about it. Chris’s parents and my parents had decided that we were going to be friends so that meant that they also decided that they we were going to be friends too and so it was. 

Times were different back then but they eventually changed as does life. While there’s plenty to say about those times, I’ll hit the fast forward button about 10 years. Chris and I remained friends as did our families. TVE had just about run it’s course in business and times were changing. Years earlier Chris’ father took a better job with Western Airlines while my dad stayed with TV Travel which had a pretty good thing going on with Eastern Airlines. Western got eaten up by Delta and Eastern filed for bankruptcy and went out of business. 

On a personal side note, I really miss Eastern Airlines because they always made the experience of flying with them feel special. When I was younger, they were my family’s preferred carrier. My dad always booked his clients on their airline because they provided great service and through that relationship, my family flew with them almost exclusively without charge and upgraded to First Class when possible which was most of the time. I maybe didn’t fully appreciate it back then because every time my family went on a trip, I had to get dressed up in a mini business suit which I hated. While I hated it and felt very uncomfortable, I did it because that was expected of me as I was a representative of a company that was flying non-revenue. I saw the people filing into coach wearing jeans and t-shirts and I longed to be as comfortable as them. How come they could do that but I couldn’t? 

After many years, I’ve come to realize that your average airplane is nothing more than a bus with wings but back then, flying was still a privilege that was reserved for people who had done better in life. When I look back on those days, I can see how privileged I was. I sat in first class, they gave me a pillow, blanket, headphones, a deck of playing cards, and a pair of gold wings pinned on me by a beautiful woman in a navy blue uniform, stockings and high heels…and they were called stewardesses back then;  whatever happened to those days? I guess that’s just a memory of days gone by and when I think about those days, I probably logged more air miles that really mattered than most of us will ever know. Has it been a privileged life? I’d say undoubtedly yes but please don’t hate me because of it. Either way, I’ve always had this feeling that my family played an instrumental role in bankrupting Eastern Airlines because we didn’t have to buy the cow; they gave us the milk for free.

See that?  I just at checked my privilege. That, in theory, should make some of us happier while also making some more of us hate me even more. If you’re part of the second group then all I can say is FUCK YOU! You haven’t lived my life nor have I lived yours. These days it seems like far too many people feel like they deserve an apology for the way that the world has treated them because of the hand that was dealt to them. I’ve said it before and I’lI say it again: if life was supposed to be fair, then it would be called fair and we’d all be equal. Life doesn’t work that way and some of us are just born with a better hand. I will never apologize for something that that I never had any control over. 

I’m not ashamed to admit that so far, my life has been great. It’s not my fault that I was born the way I am nor is it anyone else’s fault for their circumstances. When I take the time to reflect of this, while my life might sound pretty great…and it is, trust me, you wouldn’t want to spend a day in my shoes even if they were my comfortable black flats that I seem to wear almost exclusively. Sure I have many other pairs of shoes as most women do but for the day to day stuff, it’s black flats all the way but I digress. 

My family worked hard, played by the rules and pursued their American Dream; but on the other hand, I wasn’t born to them. My parents just wanted to have children but couldn’t and my birth parents had me but either couldn’t or wouldn’t take on the responsibility of taking care of me. While that part of my story has caused me great stress and emotional pain, in the end,  there’s nothing I can ever do to change that so a level of acceptance needed to be reached and I think it finally is starting to get there. It’s tragic that it only took me 40 years to get there. 

Anyway, back to the story: Chris and I would see each other periodically through the years and we were always trying to stay out of trouble while doing things that we probably shouldn’t have been doing like making fake ID’s so we we could buy beer and cigarettes. Somehow as we got older, our friendship revolved around our ability and desire to try and get as messed up as we could through the use of chemistry. That behavior continued for many years. In hindsight, something like getting high on Scotchgard was a pretty dumb idea but we were were just kids back then. Eventually, we all grow up; ok, maybe not all of us but most of us or maybe just some of us, but then again maybe none of us do and it’s just our bodies that get older…I’m 100% certain that the answer just might lie somewhere in that statement, maybe, but who knows anything for sure, right?

When I take the time to deeply reflect on my life so far, there’s been a lot of memories, many good, but so many more bad that got me where I am today. Sometimes I think it’s just better to focus on the good ones and block out the bad ones. As I’m 40 years old, I’ve seen a lot as I think everyone who reaches this age has. As Brook and I continued or conversation long into the night, eventually we circled it back around and had the discussion about how it is he and I actually have come to know one another and why we’re opting to continue the friendship. 

Throughout this particular talk, the theme of putting your friends in boxes seemed to keep coming up. Many of us will disagree and say that putting people in boxes is wrong but to them, I’ll say that sometimes is necessary.

It started as an inside joke but now it’s really true. This picture was taken months ago under different circumstances but as time has gone by, this person has since been put in a box.

Years ago when I was trying to be someone else, Chris and I were really good friends and without him, Brook and I never would have met. A little over 5 years ago, what I would categorize as the worst kind of depression reared its ugly head and hit me as hard as one could possibly be hit. In 2010, I reached a new low and I had to confront the fact that I basically had 2 options: start reconstruction and begin living authentically or figure out the most painless and effective way to stop living.

I don’t think there was really an option at all. I thought about the many ways I could have achieved one of the options and almost decided on running a garden hose from the tailpipe into the cabin and just letting the motor run but then again, that really didn’t sound that appealing.  I guess the real reason I did not pursue that option was the fear of failing. 

If anyone reading this finds it relevant to your situation, please find some help as suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. All hope may seem lost now but life can change in an instant so just don’t do it. There are people out there that will step up and help if you need it and if you can’t find them, give me a call and I’ll do my best to change your mind provided that you catch me on a good day. 

I could make cheap jokes about suicide all day long if I wanted to, but it’s a serious topic that affects transsexual people in proportionately much higher numbers than those of the rest of the population. Perhaps the only reason that I never attempted it was the fear of failing,  yet again, I suppose if I really tried to do it and didn’t succeed I’d have to live with the fact that I couldn’t even do that right. 

I’ve never talked about this to anyone back then because I didn’t want anyone to worry about me. I also never talked to anyone back then about my gender dysphoria either. Either way, that’s my own problem and not yours. Throughout the years, I’ve tried to build relationships that could stand the test of time and yet they fail. 

Why does this keep happening? I can’t answer that question…but I’ll give it a shot.

Sometimes, people come into our lives for a reason and then something happens and they’re gone. How many true friends would you say that you have? Personally, I don’t have many and that is by choice. So many times (this year alone has been a banner year) I’ve met someone, we get really close but inevitably it’s time to part ways. Why does this happen? I really can’t answer that. Perhaps it’s a clash of our personalities or maybe it’s their politics or their lack of personal policies, or maybe it’s simply something else entirely. I really have no answer to why this keeps happening. 

As Brook and I continued to talk,  the subject of Chris came up as although I haven’t talked to him in many years, he still harbors great resentment towards me. Last month I was on my way down south, made a stop in Atlanta and we got together. As I have no reason to hide any communication that I have with him, I told my parents that we were getting together. Since my parents still maintain a friendship with Chris’s parents, news of our meeting got back to him. 

A few days later, Chris called up Brook and the conversation went something like this from what I’ve heard:

Brook: Hello

Chris: Brook, is there something that I need to know?

B: Chris, what are you talking about?

C: Is there something that you need to tell me?

B: I have no idea what you’re talking about. What’s this all about?

C: well, my mom said that she heard you just met up with Cyndi and…

Now, I’m not sure what reaction I’d have if someone called me up and immediately started interrogating me but if it did happen, I doubt I’d have been as diplomatic as Brook. After he told me this, I’m not exactly sure of how their conversation went exactly verbatim afterwards but the major issue that Chris had was that Brook and I have continued to talk over the years and apparently we were doing this behind his back. Chris continued to lay into Brook for about 10 minutes of nothing but stating how much of an asshole I am, how I am beyond the lowest life form on the planet, how much I apparently screwed him and his family over and if that’s not enough, how the manner in which I pursue happiness is completely, totally and utterly wrong. I listened to Brook recount this for about an hour. I have to say that after you listen to something like that for that long, it really makes you feel good about yourself. 

Chris and I had been friends for almost 30 years but I guess that that’s not enough time to really get to know someone sometimes. It was never a perfect friendship as we had some serious disagreements over the years, but we did our best to make up and keep the peace. 

I’ll never forget the exact time when My wife Kristi and I got together and fell in love. Kristi was his aunt and one time when we all got together, Chris passed out and left Kristi and I to our own devices. All it took was the exact right time, the exact right place and a kiss and it was game over for her and yours truly…well, that is to say me in my former incarnation. 

It was December 27, 1997 that Kristi and I first began our relationship. In the beginning, it was clandestine as neither she nor I wanted to let this news out for fear of reprisal from our families even though we were already one in a roundabout kind of way. She and I knew where we were heading. All of the boxes were checked: 

attraction: check

chemistry: check

future goals: check

values: check

…and the list could go on and on. 

There was an enormous amount of energy to that day. It was a chemical reaction of the highest order. She and I could have powered a large city with that amount of voltage and amperage because something just shy of nuclear fusion took place that day…she and I became one and whenever two particles collide and become one, energy is created. Despite that, Kristi and I felt hat we needed to keep this a secret for a little while as not to disturb the environment. I’d like to say that we had a full environmental impact report prepared but we did not. Our plan was simply to build on our own thing and when we felt comfortable, tell the rest of our families how it was going to be. The thought of sending this to committee never once crossed our minds. 

Hey, look! A cooling tower! 

After a few months, I told my Mom and Dad that Kristi and I were “dating” which was putting it lightly. Kristi’s mother had died a few years earlier but she told her father that her new boyfriend was coming over and that we had previously met. Al was surprisingly cool with this. He knew that he was powerless to stop this so he accepted it and welcomed me into his family…although I kind of was already in a sense. 

While Kristi and I had to play the proverbial game for a while, there was one person who felt most slighted and that was Chris. Kristi was his aunt and although she was 15 years older than both him and me, Chris seemed to think he had some moral obligation of being the first son of the first son of the first son to keep the family name pure. 

I’m sure that in Germany many people carry the surname of Klattenhofer which means; you know, I don’t really know what it means either and it really doesn’t matter now, does it? Truth is, when his ancestors moved to America, they shortened the name as not to be so ethnic. I’m pretty sure the Prybers did as well and I know for sure that the Will family did because my mother (of whom I’m the first born of the first born of the first born daughter) told me so in one of the very few communications that I’ve had with that woman who’s name is Marian Anita Will of Oak Park, Illinois, born 1954 Lawton, Oklahoma, daughter of David and Margaret  Will in case you wanted to know. The Illinois Department of Vital Records refuses to confirm or deny this fact but that’s where I came from and this fact is undisputed. 

So it’s now many days after Thanksgiving and the kickoff to the holiday season formerly known as Christmas time but these days we’re not supposed to mention Christmas because it might offend a lot of people who don’t celebrate has passed. I suppose I’ll touch on that soon enough but it’s not time for that right now because we’re about midway  (MDW) through the season and the Monsters of the Midway otherwise known as Da Bears began preparing for hibernation way back in September and should just give up and go into full hibernation as we don’t want Derrick Rose err, I mean Jay Cutler to get hurt again. and I’m still trying to figure out what exactly that I’m thankful for. 

So here we are and the official kickoff to the winter season festivities have only just begun and winter doesn’t even begin for another 22 days or so. Kind of funny how this is all based on the Christian Calendar of which many Americans follow but feel like they’re under attack because we feel the need to perpetuate the story that the Romans hold the key to the faith because we all know they were so great and that’s why their great civilization lasted about 250 years before it’s decline. Wait a minute…America has been a country now for about 230 years; the signs are out there and we’re due for a collapse. I’ve got a rudimentary understanding of history, how about you? 

  
This car just pulled up a few minutes ago but this car represents the opposition. While a few years old and the GOP  has rendered him a heretic, Congressman Ron Paul never really was because he represented the extreme right of the party which is the Libertarians but we all know there’s no place for a third party just like there’s no place for a third sex, of which many of the third sexed are ultra liberal, which has absolutely nothing to do with libertarianism, and of which I abhor because I judge people on an asshole by asshole basis as I think we all should!

Editors Note: while I believe in many of the ideas of the father (Ron Paul) I cannot endorse those of the son (Rand Paul) as he is currently, although a longshot, an opponent of mine. As we should know by know, I am competing for the same job as are about a dozen others who call themselves Republican Candidates therefore I cannot say anything that would push your support towards any of them. I am not a Republican Candidate, I am Independent and I am committed to this endeavor and I am in this to win this and I appreciate your support.  

If I had to venture a guess I’d say that I’m most thankful that my family and the few friends that I work to maintain a relationship with are all healthy and relatively happy in life. Maybe that’s all we can really hope for? I don’t know…I’m making this up as I go along. There’s a lot to be said for faking it until you make it. 

If you don’t like your station in life it’s your job to change it because no matter how many friends you think you may have, truth is, you never really know until the chips are down who your real friends are. I seem to think about this a lot and exclusive of family which are supposed to be there for you no matter what but sometimes even they piss you off, friends are held to a different standard because they are people whom you have made a choice to be involved in one another’s lives. 

That said, sometimes you’ve got to compartmentalize them for your own sanity and well being. True friends are supposed to be able to disagree but those disagreements should never be so heated that you begin to question the friendship.  Trust me when I say this: loosing a good friend is a lot harder than loosing a lover. I know this all to well.

Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree, take a step back and let things cool down. After a period of time, learn to forgive but don’t forget and then have that talk with your friend…you’ll be glad you did. Times like that only serve to strengthen the bond you’ve created with that person. 

At current, I’ve got 3 people whom I consider to be good friends. There may be a fourth but that still remains to be seen as we try and work together on a commercial venture, knowing that you can’t mix business and pleasure or to phrase it better: don’t dip your pen in the company ink. There may even be a fifth but she’s an ex from long ago and although I know that there’s absolutely no chance at rekindling that romance, I’m not so sure about her because I suspect that she still has feelings for the person I used to be. 

In classic philosophy, there is either one, two or many. I think that might make sense because today it seems like when we get to three or more, everything seems to get really hazy. Perhaps we can’t comprehend numbers greater than two and for that I blame the United States  Department of Education. (I’ll defund that in a heartbeat, by the way) 

Maybe three really is the magic number? 

I have 3 friends that I count on to be there when I need them and they know I’m available when they need me..everyone else been put in their appropriate box.

Editors Note: this entry into the life and times of Reverend Doctor CyndiLou was originally written about a month ago and not published because we needed some time to process the facts and turn a negative into a positive, which is, at its core, all we ever hope to accomplish. I hope I’ve given you something to ponder and thank you for your consideration.