I went for a ride in the back of a police car tonight.

If getting drunk and hanging around with my second cousin is a crime, then I suppose that I’m guilty as charged.

I think the moral of the story is that some of us are completely, absolutely, bat-shit crazy and now I’m sitting in the local motel.

I didn’t get arrested as there was no charge that could have been placed on me. 

I still can’t believe that my second cousin called the cops on me but she did and here I am.  

Our relationship has always been more complicated than it would seem, but tonight it took a turn for the worse and here I am, in the roach motel, out of pocket fifty bucks for the privilege.

I did nothing wrong and everyone knows it, but when it comes down to someone with a penis versus someone with a vagina, the person with the penis is going to lose. That is the world we live in and it is patently unfair…and absurd if you really think about it. 

If women want equal rights, they had better start thinking a whole lot more rationally. Taking several rides on the cock carousel might sound like fun but there are consequences that comes with doing so. Women would be wise to start being more discerning about who they spread their legs for. 

Together, we have come a long way together without discussing this. Maybe it’s a little late, but I think the time has come to start this conversation. 

In order to set the record straight, I’m writing about love and not about sex but somehow we all seem to think that they are one in the same. We are wrong about that. Sex is easy to find and can come about rather quickly but love is so very  much more elusive and takes time to develop. I could have used that fifty bucks for some quick sex but instead, I’m sitting in a motel room, alone. 

As I was nearly arrested tonight, I had to explain to the police that everything was alright. I was having a conversation with a girl. That girl happens to be my second cousin but the situation is far more complicated than that simple statement . I think if anyone actually took the time to hear the full story, we would all surmise that there is nothing wrong with anything that transpired tonight. 

All I really want is companionship and I think that’s all she really wants too. That was the gist of the conversation. I never touched her, as that is somehow taboo. In the end, all we ever really need is companionship and I think the purpose of life is to find someone to love. 

I think I’ve tried to explain this to her but apparently it’s a no go. Throughout the years of human existence, cousin  relationships aren’t uncommon at all. It’s has been happening since the dawn of time. When you think about it, who better do you share a more intimate bond with? 

We can deny it all we want but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t happen. Just because you deny something doesn’t mean it’s not true.

The the easy part is that we can go along and find someone worth loving every other day. The hard part is finding someone who will love you in return. Unrequited love is a real bitch. Why is love so easy to give but so impossible to find?

No matter how it really happened, she called the police on me and I went for a ride in the back of a police car. I actually asked the cop to cuff me just so I could experience the real deal but he wouldn’t because apparently I’m harmless. It was actually a really fun time for me and I was asking the officer smart-assed questions the whole time. He was being as serious as he could be but I know that I made him laugh and that that alone made me happy. 

This whole experience has been kind of fun and it makes for a pretty good story but in all honesty, I wish it never happened. What really did happen tonight was this:

I love my second cousin and can imagine a future for us.

She does not love me the same way.

I lost a friend tonight.

This is strike three.

I can never trust her again and it’s time to break ties with her completely.

This is gonna hurt…

It started off as just a little show and tell of the age old question:

What’s in your purse?

Take a look inside yours…

What did you find?

Now it’s time to add some color…

…shouldn’t be too hard, but then again, it better be hard enough 

It all started with a conversation amongst friends 

Maybe this is the sum of male-female relations?

I’ve always thought there should be love involved 

Maybe there was and you just can’t see it

…or maybe it’s just the aftermath?

Who ever said photography can’t be art?

Whoever they are, they don’t know what they’re talking about 

I’m expecting a check from the National Endowment for the Arts any day now

  
Discharge is messy sometimes but it sure is a great lubricant 

If you get the chance,

bust a nut;

then be sure to leave a tip

sometimes, it’s only worth a few cents

Coming Soon?

  
Currently in negotiations for a new broadcasting opportunity 

If you like my voice and my ideas, you’re going to love this one as we’re working overtime to find our voice

Still don’t know why I’m the conduit, but we’re going for it. 

This isn’t about me

It’s about all of us

Let’s start working together for a change 

They might have the guns but we have the numbers 

There is great strength in numbers 

Please stay tuned 

Super Blowathon
Are you ready for some football?

  
Seems to happen every year and usually I sit it out because I find it to be pointless just like most of the rest of life. I really don’t care and I suspect many of us feel the same way. Usually, I stay in, as the roads are not someplace you want to be if you have been known to consume alcohol like I do but this year I decided to go out despite my better judgement.

If I really took pride in my work, I would have made this look a little nicer but obviously I don’t so without further adieu, here’s a list of observations in no particular order:

This event was not so much about who wins the game but rather who wins your heart. The heart won because we have to pander to the women

Apartments.com is going to have to rent out a shitload of places just to cover the cost of that ad…higher rent prices coming soon to a town near you 

Everyone should knock out pushing the man-in-a-dress joke. It’s cheap and no longer funny. Candy bars aren’t sexy, never have been, and when it comes to pushing a social agenda, you failed again

Oddly enough, there were no commercials from any of the large banking and financial firms but we all better believe that they had their hands in the cookie jar, they always do

Hold stock in Boeing. Did you see the flyover? Not bad for something designed 40 years ago and you all paid for that commercial too. Be proud America 

The toilets did not explode, yet again, for the 50th time in a row…I’m disappointed 

There was a little bit, very little bit, of a chance that Carolina could have come up with 15 points and they should have gone out with one more play…you could have ended this one as men and took another hit

With all that hype, the favored team went down and you’re going to avoid your bookie’s phone call tomorrow because they’re the real winners…always are

Depending on how you figure it, Peyton Manning is the all-time best ever, but then again, when you look at those stats, hey let’s just let him go with it already, he won the super bowl 

It’s called programming for a reason…quit sitting around, it’s time to go out shopping; Thanks for your continual support. Please go back to bed now America 

You aren’t making it into work on time…yeah, I’m talking to you…a 5 hit-one hitter? Beautiful concept! OK, maybe I’m talking to myself on this one but you know what I’m talking about 

and I’m a real pain for my sham friends.

Let’s all stop and give thanks for our families and good friends that have gone above and beyond for us wretched people and yet we’re all wretched people when we stop and think about it, right? 

I was talking on the phone with a friend a few nights ago…

Stop me if if you’ve heard that one before but I doubt you’ve heard this one, so here goes…

  
Sorry but I’m using this one again. Like it or not, this is the way it is. This ain’t nothing but a cover photo to show you who wrote this shit. 

Let’s set the stage for a minute: I have a friend of whom I consider a good one because we’re not directly involved in each other’s lives. For a long time, he lived on the west coast and since neither he nor I had the time or money to meet up and hang out together, we’ve had to rely on the phone for our communications. I think it’s worked out better this way as there’s really something to once personally knowing someone but then having to work to keep up the friendship by hearing our separate disembodied voices periodically. Distance apart has only helped us to work to make us closer.

I don’t check in with Brook on a daily basis as there is no need for that. He’s got his life and I’ve got mine and we’re often to busy doing our own things to care but every now and then it’s good to catch up with him and talk about life in general. I think friendships like that are very important because while we don’t care about the daily life, we do care enough to make the effort to keep it going. 

Brook and I first met about 12 years ago and we met through a then mutual friend named Chris who is no longer because we all make choices in our lives which also includes who we choose to remain friends with and those who we don’t and he happens to be one of the latter. Chris and I began our friendship in late 1980. 
Funny how nothing but the memories remain sometimes, isn’t it? The dateline was December 1980; my family had just moved to a new place called Centerville, Ohio. My dad worked for TV Travel during those years. It was a corporate job and my dad was one of the rising stars of the company. While I didn’t make the connection at the time because I was only 5, apparently, dad worked for the travel division of Top Value Enterprises. Sounds kind of generic doesn’t it? Maybe that’s the way we like it…the company has such a common name that you can’t tie them to anything because it’s so ambiguous. If anyone out there actually worked for Top Value Enterprises, please feel free to write me here and tell your story. 

This isn’t about corporate though; It’s about connections. My family had just moved to a new city and we’re looking to find friends. I have a memory of being told that someone at dad’s company was having a Christmas party and the host had a son that was my age and liked football cards too. There wasn’t any question about it. Chris’s parents and my parents had decided that we were going to be friends so that meant that they also decided that they we were going to be friends too and so it was. 

Times were different back then but they eventually changed as does life. While there’s plenty to say about those times, I’ll hit the fast forward button about 10 years. Chris and I remained friends as did our families. TVE had just about run it’s course in business and times were changing. Years earlier Chris’ father took a better job with Western Airlines while my dad stayed with TV Travel which had a pretty good thing going on with Eastern Airlines. Western got eaten up by Delta and Eastern filed for bankruptcy and went out of business. 

On a personal side note, I really miss Eastern Airlines because they always made the experience of flying with them feel special. When I was younger, they were my family’s preferred carrier. My dad always booked his clients on their airline because they provided great service and through that relationship, my family flew with them almost exclusively without charge and upgraded to First Class when possible which was most of the time. I maybe didn’t fully appreciate it back then because every time my family went on a trip, I had to get dressed up in a mini business suit which I hated. While I hated it and felt very uncomfortable, I did it because that was expected of me as I was a representative of a company that was flying non-revenue. I saw the people filing into coach wearing jeans and t-shirts and I longed to be as comfortable as them. How come they could do that but I couldn’t? 

After many years, I’ve come to realize that your average airplane is nothing more than a bus with wings but back then, flying was still a privilege that was reserved for people who had done better in life. When I look back on those days, I can see how privileged I was. I sat in first class, they gave me a pillow, blanket, headphones, a deck of playing cards, and a pair of gold wings pinned on me by a beautiful woman in a navy blue uniform, stockings and high heels…and they were called stewardesses back then;  whatever happened to those days? I guess that’s just a memory of days gone by and when I think about those days, I probably logged more air miles that really mattered than most of us will ever know. Has it been a privileged life? I’d say undoubtedly yes but please don’t hate me because of it. Either way, I’ve always had this feeling that my family played an instrumental role in bankrupting Eastern Airlines because we didn’t have to buy the cow; they gave us the milk for free.

See that?  I just at checked my privilege. That, in theory, should make some of us happier while also making some more of us hate me even more. If you’re part of the second group then all I can say is FUCK YOU! You haven’t lived my life nor have I lived yours. These days it seems like far too many people feel like they deserve an apology for the way that the world has treated them because of the hand that was dealt to them. I’ve said it before and I’lI say it again: if life was supposed to be fair, then it would be called fair and we’d all be equal. Life doesn’t work that way and some of us are just born with a better hand. I will never apologize for something that that I never had any control over. 

I’m not ashamed to admit that so far, my life has been great. It’s not my fault that I was born the way I am nor is it anyone else’s fault for their circumstances. When I take the time to reflect of this, while my life might sound pretty great…and it is, trust me, you wouldn’t want to spend a day in my shoes even if they were my comfortable black flats that I seem to wear almost exclusively. Sure I have many other pairs of shoes as most women do but for the day to day stuff, it’s black flats all the way but I digress. 

My family worked hard, played by the rules and pursued their American Dream; but on the other hand, I wasn’t born to them. My parents just wanted to have children but couldn’t and my birth parents had me but either couldn’t or wouldn’t take on the responsibility of taking care of me. While that part of my story has caused me great stress and emotional pain, in the end,  there’s nothing I can ever do to change that so a level of acceptance needed to be reached and I think it finally is starting to get there. It’s tragic that it only took me 40 years to get there. 

Anyway, back to the story: Chris and I would see each other periodically through the years and we were always trying to stay out of trouble while doing things that we probably shouldn’t have been doing like making fake ID’s so we we could buy beer and cigarettes. Somehow as we got older, our friendship revolved around our ability and desire to try and get as messed up as we could through the use of chemistry. That behavior continued for many years. In hindsight, something like getting high on Scotchgard was a pretty dumb idea but we were were just kids back then. Eventually, we all grow up; ok, maybe not all of us but most of us or maybe just some of us, but then again maybe none of us do and it’s just our bodies that get older…I’m 100% certain that the answer just might lie somewhere in that statement, maybe, but who knows anything for sure, right?

When I take the time to deeply reflect on my life so far, there’s been a lot of memories, many good, but so many more bad that got me where I am today. Sometimes I think it’s just better to focus on the good ones and block out the bad ones. As I’m 40 years old, I’ve seen a lot as I think everyone who reaches this age has. As Brook and I continued or conversation long into the night, eventually we circled it back around and had the discussion about how it is he and I actually have come to know one another and why we’re opting to continue the friendship. 

Throughout this particular talk, the theme of putting your friends in boxes seemed to keep coming up. Many of us will disagree and say that putting people in boxes is wrong but to them, I’ll say that sometimes is necessary.

It started as an inside joke but now it’s really true. This picture was taken months ago under different circumstances but as time has gone by, this person has since been put in a box.

Years ago when I was trying to be someone else, Chris and I were really good friends and without him, Brook and I never would have met. A little over 5 years ago, what I would categorize as the worst kind of depression reared its ugly head and hit me as hard as one could possibly be hit. In 2010, I reached a new low and I had to confront the fact that I basically had 2 options: start reconstruction and begin living authentically or figure out the most painless and effective way to stop living.

I don’t think there was really an option at all. I thought about the many ways I could have achieved one of the options and almost decided on running a garden hose from the tailpipe into the cabin and just letting the motor run but then again, that really didn’t sound that appealing.  I guess the real reason I did not pursue that option was the fear of failing. 

If anyone reading this finds it relevant to your situation, please find some help as suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. All hope may seem lost now but life can change in an instant so just don’t do it. There are people out there that will step up and help if you need it and if you can’t find them, give me a call and I’ll do my best to change your mind provided that you catch me on a good day. 

I could make cheap jokes about suicide all day long if I wanted to, but it’s a serious topic that affects transsexual people in proportionately much higher numbers than those of the rest of the population. Perhaps the only reason that I never attempted it was the fear of failing,  yet again, I suppose if I really tried to do it and didn’t succeed I’d have to live with the fact that I couldn’t even do that right. 

I’ve never talked about this to anyone back then because I didn’t want anyone to worry about me. I also never talked to anyone back then about my gender dysphoria either. Either way, that’s my own problem and not yours. Throughout the years, I’ve tried to build relationships that could stand the test of time and yet they fail. 

Why does this keep happening? I can’t answer that question…but I’ll give it a shot.

Sometimes, people come into our lives for a reason and then something happens and they’re gone. How many true friends would you say that you have? Personally, I don’t have many and that is by choice. So many times (this year alone has been a banner year) I’ve met someone, we get really close but inevitably it’s time to part ways. Why does this happen? I really can’t answer that. Perhaps it’s a clash of our personalities or maybe it’s their politics or their lack of personal policies, or maybe it’s simply something else entirely. I really have no answer to why this keeps happening. 

As Brook and I continued to talk,  the subject of Chris came up as although I haven’t talked to him in many years, he still harbors great resentment towards me. Last month I was on my way down south, made a stop in Atlanta and we got together. As I have no reason to hide any communication that I have with him, I told my parents that we were getting together. Since my parents still maintain a friendship with Chris’s parents, news of our meeting got back to him. 

A few days later, Chris called up Brook and the conversation went something like this from what I’ve heard:

Brook: Hello

Chris: Brook, is there something that I need to know?

B: Chris, what are you talking about?

C: Is there something that you need to tell me?

B: I have no idea what you’re talking about. What’s this all about?

C: well, my mom said that she heard you just met up with Cyndi and…

Now, I’m not sure what reaction I’d have if someone called me up and immediately started interrogating me but if it did happen, I doubt I’d have been as diplomatic as Brook. After he told me this, I’m not exactly sure of how their conversation went exactly verbatim afterwards but the major issue that Chris had was that Brook and I have continued to talk over the years and apparently we were doing this behind his back. Chris continued to lay into Brook for about 10 minutes of nothing but stating how much of an asshole I am, how I am beyond the lowest life form on the planet, how much I apparently screwed him and his family over and if that’s not enough, how the manner in which I pursue happiness is completely, totally and utterly wrong. I listened to Brook recount this for about an hour. I have to say that after you listen to something like that for that long, it really makes you feel good about yourself. 

Chris and I had been friends for almost 30 years but I guess that that’s not enough time to really get to know someone sometimes. It was never a perfect friendship as we had some serious disagreements over the years, but we did our best to make up and keep the peace. 

I’ll never forget the exact time when My wife Kristi and I got together and fell in love. Kristi was his aunt and one time when we all got together, Chris passed out and left Kristi and I to our own devices. All it took was the exact right time, the exact right place and a kiss and it was game over for her and yours truly…well, that is to say me in my former incarnation. 

It was December 27, 1997 that Kristi and I first began our relationship. In the beginning, it was clandestine as neither she nor I wanted to let this news out for fear of reprisal from our families even though we were already one in a roundabout kind of way. She and I knew where we were heading. All of the boxes were checked: 

attraction: check

chemistry: check

future goals: check

values: check

…and the list could go on and on. 

There was an enormous amount of energy to that day. It was a chemical reaction of the highest order. She and I could have powered a large city with that amount of voltage and amperage because something just shy of nuclear fusion took place that day…she and I became one and whenever two particles collide and become one, energy is created. Despite that, Kristi and I felt hat we needed to keep this a secret for a little while as not to disturb the environment. I’d like to say that we had a full environmental impact report prepared but we did not. Our plan was simply to build on our own thing and when we felt comfortable, tell the rest of our families how it was going to be. The thought of sending this to committee never once crossed our minds. 

Hey, look! A cooling tower! 

After a few months, I told my Mom and Dad that Kristi and I were “dating” which was putting it lightly. Kristi’s mother had died a few years earlier but she told her father that her new boyfriend was coming over and that we had previously met. Al was surprisingly cool with this. He knew that he was powerless to stop this so he accepted it and welcomed me into his family…although I kind of was already in a sense. 

While Kristi and I had to play the proverbial game for a while, there was one person who felt most slighted and that was Chris. Kristi was his aunt and although she was 15 years older than both him and me, Chris seemed to think he had some moral obligation of being the first son of the first son of the first son to keep the family name pure. 

I’m sure that in Germany many people carry the surname of Klattenhofer which means; you know, I don’t really know what it means either and it really doesn’t matter now, does it? Truth is, when his ancestors moved to America, they shortened the name as not to be so ethnic. I’m pretty sure the Prybers did as well and I know for sure that the Will family did because my mother (of whom I’m the first born of the first born of the first born daughter) told me so in one of the very few communications that I’ve had with that woman who’s name is Marian Anita Will of Oak Park, Illinois, born 1954 Lawton, Oklahoma, daughter of David and Margaret  Will in case you wanted to know. The Illinois Department of Vital Records refuses to confirm or deny this fact but that’s where I came from and this fact is undisputed. 

So it’s now many days after Thanksgiving and the kickoff to the holiday season formerly known as Christmas time but these days we’re not supposed to mention Christmas because it might offend a lot of people who don’t celebrate has passed. I suppose I’ll touch on that soon enough but it’s not time for that right now because we’re about midway  (MDW) through the season and the Monsters of the Midway otherwise known as Da Bears began preparing for hibernation way back in September and should just give up and go into full hibernation as we don’t want Derrick Rose err, I mean Jay Cutler to get hurt again. and I’m still trying to figure out what exactly that I’m thankful for. 

So here we are and the official kickoff to the winter season festivities have only just begun and winter doesn’t even begin for another 22 days or so. Kind of funny how this is all based on the Christian Calendar of which many Americans follow but feel like they’re under attack because we feel the need to perpetuate the story that the Romans hold the key to the faith because we all know they were so great and that’s why their great civilization lasted about 250 years before it’s decline. Wait a minute…America has been a country now for about 230 years; the signs are out there and we’re due for a collapse. I’ve got a rudimentary understanding of history, how about you? 

  
This car just pulled up a few minutes ago but this car represents the opposition. While a few years old and the GOP  has rendered him a heretic, Congressman Ron Paul never really was because he represented the extreme right of the party which is the Libertarians but we all know there’s no place for a third party just like there’s no place for a third sex, of which many of the third sexed are ultra liberal, which has absolutely nothing to do with libertarianism, and of which I abhor because I judge people on an asshole by asshole basis as I think we all should!

Editors Note: while I believe in many of the ideas of the father (Ron Paul) I cannot endorse those of the son (Rand Paul) as he is currently, although a longshot, an opponent of mine. As we should know by know, I am competing for the same job as are about a dozen others who call themselves Republican Candidates therefore I cannot say anything that would push your support towards any of them. I am not a Republican Candidate, I am Independent and I am committed to this endeavor and I am in this to win this and I appreciate your support.  

If I had to venture a guess I’d say that I’m most thankful that my family and the few friends that I work to maintain a relationship with are all healthy and relatively happy in life. Maybe that’s all we can really hope for? I don’t know…I’m making this up as I go along. There’s a lot to be said for faking it until you make it. 

If you don’t like your station in life it’s your job to change it because no matter how many friends you think you may have, truth is, you never really know until the chips are down who your real friends are. I seem to think about this a lot and exclusive of family which are supposed to be there for you no matter what but sometimes even they piss you off, friends are held to a different standard because they are people whom you have made a choice to be involved in one another’s lives. 

That said, sometimes you’ve got to compartmentalize them for your own sanity and well being. True friends are supposed to be able to disagree but those disagreements should never be so heated that you begin to question the friendship.  Trust me when I say this: loosing a good friend is a lot harder than loosing a lover. I know this all to well.

Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree, take a step back and let things cool down. After a period of time, learn to forgive but don’t forget and then have that talk with your friend…you’ll be glad you did. Times like that only serve to strengthen the bond you’ve created with that person. 

At current, I’ve got 3 people whom I consider to be good friends. There may be a fourth but that still remains to be seen as we try and work together on a commercial venture, knowing that you can’t mix business and pleasure or to phrase it better: don’t dip your pen in the company ink. There may even be a fifth but she’s an ex from long ago and although I know that there’s absolutely no chance at rekindling that romance, I’m not so sure about her because I suspect that she still has feelings for the person I used to be. 

In classic philosophy, there is either one, two or many. I think that might make sense because today it seems like when we get to three or more, everything seems to get really hazy. Perhaps we can’t comprehend numbers greater than two and for that I blame the United States  Department of Education. (I’ll defund that in a heartbeat, by the way) 

Maybe three really is the magic number? 

I have 3 friends that I count on to be there when I need them and they know I’m available when they need me..everyone else been put in their appropriate box.

Editors Note: this entry into the life and times of Reverend Doctor CyndiLou was originally written about a month ago and not published because we needed some time to process the facts and turn a negative into a positive, which is, at its core, all we ever hope to accomplish. I hope I’ve given you something to ponder and thank you for your consideration.

Happy New Year!

What’s that? I’m late to the party? Sorry to disappoint. 

For my regular reader (because I’m absolutely, positively 100% sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that there maybe just might be at least one) but then again, who knows and nor do I care because you should be living your own life and not hanging around with baited breath to see how I live mine. I hope that you had a happy new year. 

I had meant to write some prose about how this is somehow a special time of year with some really, really, really, really, really very deep message but apparently I’ve come up a little dry on that one. 

Perhaps all I can say on the passing of 2015 is that we made it through yet another one and we’re still here so maybe that’s something to be thankful for. While calendar year 2015 wasn’t all bad and there were some positive things that happened, the few of those we’re definitely overshadowed by the bad things and we’re just glad that 2015 is now behind us because of the basic belief that all bad things must end and all bad things must die.

Let’s take a moment of silence to honor those we lost in 2015…

No I’m not talking about that guy because let’s face it, he was old and death is just a part of life nor am I talking about her because while we thought she was great, for the life of me I can’t remember a single thing she ever did. 

I think the greatest loss we endured last year has to do with four men who dared to do things differently, four men who did it on their own terms, four men that didn’t take any shit from anyone, four men that banded together and shouted at the devil himself. Of course I’m talking about Nikki, Tommy, Mick and Vince; collectively and more commonly known as:  
Motley Crue (1981-2015)

They will be missed although none of them really went anywhere. Maybe we shouldn’t take a moment of silence to mourn our loss after all, because silence was probably the only thing they didn’t do well. Instead, as we take the time to reflect on all of the debauchary that was the Crue, let’s crank it up until it’s Louder than Hell because you were the Toast of the Town and the voice of Generation Swine of which yours’ truly is a proud member of. 

We salute you guys because you were the First Band on the Moon and you welcomed us to Planet Boom. You taught us valuable lessons:

Always Keep Your Eye on the Money, but do the Rattlesnake Shake, because it’s always good to get Sumthin for Nothing. Life may be Misunderstood but treat it like a Hooligan’s Holiday and don’t ever be Enslaved…not to anyone. Sometimes in life we are Too Young to Fall in Love but we can’t help it because She’s got the Looks that Kill and when it doesn’t work out you’ve just got to Primal Scream and shout but then take the Bitter Pill but you really haven’t lived until you’ve taken a ride on the Wild Side. Sometimes those Girls, Girls, Girls are All I Need to Take Me to the Top because sometimes it’s just the Animal in Me and I’m not Just Another Psycho because it was you that taught us about life and how it’s just a Rodeo and sometimes it’s just the Same ol Situation because Chicks = Trouble. 

So the White Trash Circus has come to an end but I, personally, will never water myself down and be Fake even though they continue to Treat Me Like a Dog. No, not me…if I’m going out, then I’m Going out Swinging.

To Nikki, Tommy, Mick and Vince, I’m not sure if your body of work touched anyone else as much as you’ve touched my ass, although you haven’t but it’s an open invitation in a non sexual way…unless of course you have a special place in your hearts for trannies, but then again, I hope you don’t and even if you did, I don’t do dudes, so I hope you’ll just accept my gratitude and my thanks from the bottom of my heart, of which you Kickstarted back before 1989. 

Over 25 years have now passed and their song Time for Change is just as relevant now as it was back then. It’s one of those deep tracks that only a fan would know. Hootie (Darius Rucker) did a great rendition of it on their tribute album by the Nashville Outlaws by the way.

Let’s take a moment to mourn the loss of the Crue. I hope all of them enjoy their retirement, but then again I’m sure retirement to them just means it’s time to go out on top and then find something new to do. Only they know what the future holds for them. Ever at the forefront but always under appreciated, Motley Crue stood for the pinnacle of life…who really gives a fuck if the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame closed their doors on them long ago. As far as I’m concerned, you guys don’t need to worry about a thing. You came, you rocked and we all owe you our thanks.

I’m not an insider and I have no idea what their future plans are but I do know that Vince Neil is coming this way in about a week and a half. His solo career has never really taken off because he will always be best known as being the one true voice of Motley Crue but that doesn’t matter and I’m looking forward to checking out his show soon despite the fact that my cousin thinks he’s a real asshole. As far as I’m concerned, he can be an asshole all he wants because he’s a rock star and he’s earned that right. I hope it’s a good show and I’ll report on it afterwards.

To Tommy Lee, it was a bummer that the Crucifly failed on you during your last show…I guess that’s apropos as the drum roller coaster couldn’t have picked a better time to stop working. We have no  idea of what your future plans are but but beyond playing percussion, you are a brilliant entertainer who went far beyond simply banging on the drums. No one else has done what you have and that saying a lot for the guy who usually sits in the back providing the beat…you always brought the beat out into the crowd and made your fans feel part of the show and that’s why we love you. I wish you well in all of your future endeavors.

To Mick Mars: thank you for giving us some of the most well know riffs in the history of rock. For what it’s worth, I hope you are remembered as the greatest rock guitarist of all time. To get up and play night after night and in the pain you have endured is a real testament to the human spirit. I don’t want to equate ankylosing spondylitis to common back pain but I experienced the latter and it debilitated me so bad that I missed the show in Chicago last August. 

Lastly, to Nikki Sixx, we hope that you don’t get too set in retirement though we doubt you will. When one door closes, another opens and we’re all looking forward to new music from Sixx:A.M. You, James Michael and DJ Ashba are really on to something great and your show at the Vic back in April 2015 was one of the best concerts I’ve ever been to.  You’ve said that there’s not one but two albums coming out this year…we’re all looking forward to them.

Life changes in an instant and tomorrow isn’t guaranteed so live it today and make the most of it. At it’s essence, isn’t that what Motley Crue stood for. I think that was the general message…after all, they were the ones that asked:
If I Die Tomorrow…have I said all I can say?

I think I’ve said all I can say right about now and I’m going to wrap up this Sick Love Song because I’ve got to grab a few winks and be someplace at Sixx AM 
In remembrance, R.I.P. Motley Crue 

Don’t cry, just stand up and

Raise Your Hands to Rock!!!

Your Faithful Reporter Signing Off,

CyndiLou 

One more thing: you guys have my vote for 2015 but in 2016, it’s my time and I’m going for the title you inspired me to achieve this year:

Motherfucker of the Year

I girl walked into a bar…

  
Stop me if you’ve heard that one before but I doubt that you have, so here goes. 

Today was a pretty good day so far. It was a long week of work and I pulled one 48 hour period of it with only a couple hours sleep. My weekend began at 7:30 pm Friday night much like everyone else’s except for the fact that my weekend started crashed out from exhaustion alone in my bed. I didn’t wake up until 9:30 Saturday morning.

I guess I must have needed the sleep??? Although 14 hours is kind of excessive, it really wasn’t enough. After being up for a couple hours, having some breakfast, reading the newspaper, surfing the net, and watching some tv, I wound up back upstairs thinking about getting ready for the day. That was a big mistake because when I got upstairs and saw that bed, it looked so inviting; tempting me. The phone hadn’t rung yet although I knew it probably would as is the nature of my business. I took the temptation. I laid back down for another round of recharging and the next thing I knew, it was late in the afternoon. No work today. 

Have you noticed that the world we live in today is so very different from the way it was just a few years ago? Today we live in a world in which we carry around little pocket computers with all the knowledge of human history at our fingertips available on demand and instantaneously. There has never been a better time to be alive than there is today. 

I’m a small business owner and I couldn’t operate without my iPhone. A few years ago, the manner in how I make money was impossible, but today it’s not and things are only getting better; or maybe not so much, but that is the world in which we live and we need to adapt or we will eventually perish. While many parts of the world aren’t as advanced as America, many more are but I doubt they’d be without America. Whether you love it or hate it, America drives the world economy.

The United States is an exception in the history of humanity and with being an exception also comes great responsibility. While we maintain the status of the premier superpower in the world, there are many other nations that are challenging us for that title. I, like most Americans, believe we are better but it’s coming time for us Americans to prove it. We can’t just keep running our mouths off and saying how we’re number one while continuing to ignore what is going on in the rest of the world. The people of the United States of America most commonly call ourselves Americans but we are not the only ones that can call ourselves that and I think we all need to keep that in perspective.

People from France call themselves French; people from China call themselves Chinese; people from Egypt call themselves Egyptian; people from Ireland call themselves Irish; people from Argentina call themselves Argentinian. Have you noticed a trend? All of those people come from a place that is easily recognizable on a map. 

But wait a minute, what about the Brits? People from the United Kingdom call themselves English, British, Scottish, Welsh and also Irish, that is if they live in Northern Ireland. Kind of starts getting confusing doesn’t it? How about people from Mexico? Well, they’re Mexicans (and if they’re having sex with each other than they’re fucking Mexicans, literally) That’s  a stupid joke but the point is, Mexicans come from America too, but then again, they don’t because Americans say so and we’re number one, so don’t even try and argue with that.

So what about the people from the United States of America? We’re located on a map pretty easily, aren’t we? I think we are but there’s plenty of evidence in the form of those interviews on the street where someone asks that question and whoever is answering can’t come up with the correct answer. I’m sure you’ve seen stuff like that too and are amazed at the ignorance of some of our citizens…and we laugh at the stupidity of it. Although we come from a place on the map, we have no national identity because our national identity is made up from a conglomeration of everyone else’s identity. 

Some of us just aren’t interested in facts and that is their right. Perhaps that is the way that the country is going and I wish those people well, but I, for one, refuse to live in ignorance and that is why I’ve made a choice to fight this uphill battle on my own and by my own terms. Currently, I’m just a small business owner and I’m trying to do my part to keep the American economy going.

I spend a lot of time on the roadways of our country. Just earlier today, I saw a documentary which showed a road that looked absolutely perfect and the way a road should be. I’d seen this one before because we like to rerun things in case we missed it the first time around. It’s part of history and was appropriately shown on the history channel. So I’ve seen the show before and I know how it turns out but it hit me; that’s the way our roads should have been built. Why don’t we build our nation’s infrastructure that way? 

I know exactly why we can’t and don’t. 

The answer to that question has very little to do with the fact that the roads that looked so modern and forward thinking were built 80 years ago in Germany and were part of one man’s vision of how he thought the world should be. Of course when we study history, which many of us don’t, we know that man was wrong about everything thing else that one can possibly be wrong about. We could choose to build roads correctly and that need very little maintenance, but if we did, how would we keep the road construction industry in business? 

The answer to that question is fairly simple; build roads right the first time then build more as needed. If we could just build the road correctly in the first place, that would negate the need to perpetuating the continual upkeep of what we have already. This would eventually make the flow of traffic seemless, minimizing the time it takes to go from one place to another and we could then divert another precious resource to the place in which it is needed most.

I’m pretty sure that we’re all familiar with the phrase:

Time is money

If you’re not familiar with that, I’m sorry that the educational system has failed you. The truth is that principle is not taught in any of our schools anymore. Money is something that we humans have made up in order to keep our world going. Money used to be backed by something but today it’s only backed by debt or the promise that through work, the money can be paid back. In our society, we worship money because it has become the great equalizer. Those who have the money make the rules. That is an undeniable fact. There was once something called the golden rule but that isn’t it anymore. Live your life and be happy but as you’re doing that, remember that being nice and doing unto others as you’d like to have done unto you is a thing of the past. That rule has been replaced by the new sentiment: he who has the gold makes the rules. Again, I’m just the messenger and don’t shoot the messenger.

While the interstates are in decent shape and provide an efficient way to get around, sometimes I like to take the backroads because they’re often times better…and cheaper because there ain’t no tolls on em. Just the other day I drove from Chicago to Madison utilizing the back roads and I made great time. I can do things like that because I have a great sense of direction but many can’t. For those that can’t, you’re stuck on the interstate, sometimes sitting still because of the constant construction where we’re fuedally trying to fix what should have been made right in the first place.

I’d like to send a special shout out to the Illinois Tollway Authority for doing their part to impede progress. Thanks ITA for your commitment to keeping the traffic pattern artificially slowed because we all know that tollbooths are the best way to keep traffic flowing that is if we take out the true function of a road and turn into a money making engine that we can use to raise funds for the most corrupt state in the union. ITA, you win the award for best fundraiser for the state of Illinois because you epitomize everything that is wrong with Illinois. You should have been gone in the early 1980s after the original project paid for itself but have managed to live on because you offer up absolutely no choice to get around Chicago without you. Kudos to you for your ability to misappropriate funds in an effort to shore up the finances of the state of Illinois and funnel them into the vain effort of continually paying people for their inconsequential and counterproductive  work that was done long ago and contributed nothing to the residents of Illinois. Illinois wouldn’t be where we are without you but that’s not saying much because Illinois would probably be in much worse shape financially if that were at all possible but once you’ve gotten that low, is there any real possibility that could happen? 

I travel the interstate system a lot. By traveling the Dwight D. Eisenhower Interstate System, I’ve learned a few things and here’s the Top 10:

1. The only thing you see on the interstate is interstate.
2. The interstate system has allowed certain communities to survive because they are stopping points along the way.
3. To get to the pulse of America, you have to get off of it and explore the local flavor 
4. The price of gasoline is higher along the interstate because the businesses know you’ll pay it without question.
5. It’s still the fastest surface way to get from point A to point B.
6. Railway is still the most economal way to transport goods and commodities and that’s why many of them run parallel to the interstate.
7. The interstate was built for all kinds of motor vehicles but tractor-trailer trucks rule out there because truckers drive the economy 
8. If the trucks stop rolling, so does the economy…let them truckers roll.
9. Don’t try and pick a fight with a semi because you will lose and that’s just physics.
10. People are friendlier when they’re farther away from huge cities…especially Chicago

I like to give Chicago a hard time because I have lived here a long time; in fact I was born here. Between the weather, the politics, the corruption, the mismanagement, and the stench…Yeah, there’s a lot of places here that smell worse than a toilet which is understandable because there are very few public bathrooms and everybody’s gotta go somewhere, so why not use the street. Because of these things, it’s of little wonder why the attitudes of the residents is nothing to write home about either. 

Mostly, I have disdain for this city because it constantly steals my time away from me. I’m not sure if Chicago can be fixed and doing that job is super low on my list of things to do because we have people in this city that are supposed to be making things better; and those people are very qualified for their jobs. Their main qualification isn’t where they went to school. Nope, the qualification comes from which family you were born to. Nepotism gives the city our best and brightest and we reward them handsomely for their ability to keep showing up to work for a long period of time with little or no motivation to actually work and make things better. 

There’s a lot more of America that can be fixed and I think we should start there and eventually the progress will trickle down to Chicago. A couple weeks ago, I was traveling through the South; I used to live down there and I kind of miss it. I think that I’m fixin to move back someday because inevitably, someday im going to die and I think it would be best to live out my last remaining years in someplace warm. Maybe before I do that I’ll head east, stop in Washington and stay there for four or eight years. I think that I could do some pretty great things there.

Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed to me our anyone for that matter and while I agree that it’s a good idea not to worry about what might happen to me tomorrow, sometimes we all have to think about it because tomorrow usually comes about rather quickly…just like clockwork.  Time is a precious commodity that shouldn’t be wasted. I don’t ever want to waste yours, and appreciate if you wouldn’t waste mine.

Thanks for reading, now I’ve got business to attend to, so I’ll catch up with you later.

This will not happen again. I believe in what I write and I write about things as I see them and do not write things here only to delete them a day later. Whatever is published here at transcyndence.com is written with a purpose and the act of deleting something that I spent any amount of time writing is counterproductive. 

I wrote an article a few days ago which dealt with human interpersonal relationships which by nature, change as time goes on. The subject of the article was and perhaps still is considered a friend. I had thought about trying to change that dynamic, but ultimately ruled against it as it was not in my best interests to try and now the subject just is… The article in question has now been retracted. This is the one time in that this will happen and I will not retract anything else ever again as that is not a practice that this blog was set up to do. 

As per a conversation I had late Monday night with someone who will remain nameless as that is the way they want it, and since that’s the way they want it, then that’s the way it shall be. While I did not print said person’s name, I’ll concede that the article in question was largely, but not entirely, about them as they are only one character in my life’s show. Life is kind of like a show, isn’t it? In the nature of show business, I’m just trying to put on the best show I can. Sometimes characters work and sometimes they don’t and when they don’t, well, you all know what happens. 

This blog was started with the idea of giving something from myself and attempting to offer up little nuggets of wisdom that you can take home with you, if you so choose, by the sharing my story and ideas. In the sharing of my story, I aim to offer my own unique perspective and it is written to bring awareness to issues and subjects in which very little information is often available. 

Sometimes odd thoughts, questions and queries will enter my mind; as someone who has always enjoyed problem solving, I do my best to make sense of it all. One of the many thoughts I’ve had over the years is the thought that I can’t be alone in all of this, can I? Maybe I am as I have had to live with several stigmas and conditions that all affect each other. For an abridged version of by biography, read the about page. There’s simply no way with all of the people in the world that I’m the only one that’s ever pondered such a question or thought about a subject, can there? 

The formula for this blog is quite simple although it’s not been clearly outlined before, I believe that it should be now:

• Tell a story based events as I see them
• Inject my opinion and emotion 
• Attempt to add some humor 
• Pull no punches 
• Transcend conventional thinking
• Go off on a tangent 
• Expound on a different idea
• Mix it all up
• Bring the idea full circle 
• Make a point that has value 

When this blog was originally started, that was the goal and it still is the goal to this day. This blog was started because I enjoy creative writing, believe that I have a talent for it and wanted a platform for all of the things I have to say; and it is a lot to say…haven’t you noticed? Plenty to say and not enough time to say it, have you ever had that problem? The key factor is time and time is a precious commodity. 

Some things that have been written here may be looked at as being unpopular and outside the realm of the consensus of the masses. Nearly everything in my life is far outside that consensus anyway, so it really does not phase me at all because while we all must share this world together, The world as I experience it is very different than nearly everyone else. For me, life is never as simple as black and white. Due to circumstances, many of which I had no control over, there are a lot of gray areas. I don’t think that life should always be filled with gray areas because often times we are all confronted with 2 options and when that happens, a decision must be made. When faced with making a decision, I contend that what is right is often not popular…being right is preferable, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

  
This piece of art has ghost-like qualities because the subject is as transparent as is humanly possible.

I, like all transsexual people, live in a world that doesn’t have a place for us because we do not fit nicely into one box or another.  Out of all of the things one can be, being transsexual is by far the most misunderstood. Often times, people like me work hard to keep a low profile and blend in with the the rest of society for their own safety. There have been many documented cases where trans people have been killed or left to die because they are different from the gender binary. I wish I could keep a low profile but my activist nature precludes me from doing so. 

I didn’t ask to be the way that I am but since there’s no possibility of changing that, all I can do is accept it and not let that aspect deter me from doing what I think I should be doing. What I feel that I should be doing is the same as what I think everyone should be doing and that is trying to make our world a better place then when we first found it. Life is all about making choices and your choice may and most likely does vary from mine. Some of us are content in wasting the finite time we have here. I don’t know about you, but I know that I have wasted time in the past (35 years to be exact) and I’m not doing that anymore. For me, it’s time to get to work and start speaking out. I won’t deny anyone their right to free speech and would appreciate if you wouldn’t try to deny mine.

Have you noticed that I am not using the term transgender as I describe myself? The 2 terms are not synonymous with one another despite what people may think. The term transgender did not come into the lexicon until about the mid 1970’s and even back then it was not widely used. As the years have gone on, transgender is now used as both as a way of describing anyone who feels that they are outside the gender binary and also for political reasons to push inclusivity and acceptance of a marginalized group. 

The term transgender is an all encompassing term that includes many different kinds of people that are not alike. Someone can claim to be transgender and not do a damn thing about it. Should we just have to accept that how said person identifies as absolute fact and they should have the same rights As someone who has gone trough medical and legal intervention in order to align their body with their mind and has spent time trying to conform to the roles of their targeted sex? I don’t think it works like that and I doubt that anyone who took the time to think about it would. Please bear in mind that this is a transsexual woman asking that question. If I can’t totally agree with the political movement that I’m a defacto part of, how the hell are you, an outsider supposed to make sense of it? The transgender “community” is anything but…it simply doesn’t exist.

It is not my intention to write this solely on the topic of transsexuality but the topic is a large part of my experience that affects everything that I do for the simple fact that I can’t hide it. Years ago I wanted to, but eventually realized that I couldn’t any longer. For the sake of argument of which I expect there to be, being transsexual is more like being of a particular race than it is anything else because it’s just an identifier of who we are. We are often lumped together with the LGB crowd but even they don’t accept us because they know that it’s not the same thing. Being transsexual has absolutely nothing to do with sexual orientation. It is at it’s essence, a fact that has been inherited from birth and most of all deals with identity. No matter how one chooses to view transsexual people, it is unlikely that you actually know someone like this, as those who are make up an extremely small percentage of the population. 

Is any of that fair? Of course it isn’t but neither is life. If life was supposed to be fair, it would be called fair and everyone would be equal but we’re are not all equal are we? One of my favorite literary quotes is listed below:

All animals are created equal but some animals are created more equal than others

George Orwell, Animal Farm

That quote does not make a whole lot of sense at first glance but if you read it carefully, it really does. Each and every one of us has our own unique traits and talents. Whether it’s an ability to play a sport, create music, intellectual capacity, physical attractiveness, ability to make money or something else entirely; despite what we’ve been taught, we are not all equal and that is the absolute truth. We are the sum of our experiences and no two one of us has the same experiences. To deny that is tantamount to living life in ignorance and denial. Contrary to popular belief, some of us are born with natural talents that are advantageous and when born with an advantage, shouldn’t you use it? I don’t think that being transsexual is an advantage in any way; in most cases it’s not…hey, I took a 25%  paycut to live my life authentically. For many others it means a life below the poverty line. While I might seem like an exception, it’s really only that way because I choose to work my ass of rather than roll over, take the easy way out and hope society will have mercy on me. 

I use the written word as my medium because when vocabulary is used correctly, it is the most concise way to convey a message…or so we would like to think. The process of writing is a lot more time consuming to produce content. In addition to that, it also takes time to read the content which is why most people these days don’t read newspapers, books or magazines anymore and to take that further, many people don’t even read anything; why should they? 

The world in which we share has become nothing more that short attention span theatre. There’s usually a video available but If we instead choose to read, it better be in 140 characters or less because that’s all we can absorb at any given time. That is ridiculous and I take great offense to that. 

It seems that every time I look around, I see Americans celebrating being number one. I’ve got some news for you, we’re not. Every other developed nation beats America at the things that matter most.

On a side note: I’m glad that the Cubs lost again because I hate the way that Chicago celebrates how they are number one because of a professional sports team. The only thing that Chicago is number one at is homocides and I don’t think that’s something to be proud of. Maybe Chicagoans can address why when it comes to finance, we are dead last and hanging on by a string trying to prevent total economic collapse by constantly taxing and feeing its residents. 

Evidence proves that far too many nations are excelling while Americans are happy to rest on their laurels. It’s time to change the way Americans think. I don’t know why I even bother to care but I do and then again I’m just a messenger by profession; don’t shoot the messenger. 
Much like life, this editorial started because of a girl, but who is the girl? When I first met her, there was a bond but through time, feelings developed. There could have been something, but after a reassessment, that something wound up to be baseless and here we are. 

It always starts with a girl, doesn’t it?

Now do you follow how things are done at transcyndence.com? 

Thanks for reading…I hope you have found some value.

Now go get your ass to work because we can’t do it without you. 

Today, my working mini vacation is coming to an end and the last few days have been some of the best days I’ve had in a long time. There’s just something about being out on the road and just going somewhere without a lot of pressure to get where you need to go. There was a deadline on this job and I made it exactly at the time  I was supposed to be in one particular place at one particular time. 

Mission Accomplished. 

The morning was pretty uneventful. I had wanted to go to a beach but time was not working on my side right then. I took a shower but later in the day, I kind of questioned that decision because I forgot how hot and humid it gets in Florida. Anyway, I had to repack my bag with all of my laundry and make space for my tennis shoes because later I was going to be flying and I wanted to wear my flats for that. Even though I wind up at the airport daily, I hadn’t flown in years and I know that you have to take your shoes off at the airport, so it’s just easier in flats; besides that, maybe the TSA would appreciate seeing my pretty pink painted toes.

I checked out of the hotel and got in the truck. I had to find Greg and Kathy’s where I was going which was about 15 miles away. In addition to that, I had to top off the tank  so I returned the truck full. All in all, gas cost me about $280 so I underestimated that cost by about $80…there’s really nothing I could do about that, so I’m not going to complain about it because there’s just no point. Last year I spent over $10,000 on gas; who does that? Apparently, I do.

As I’m filling up, this place was cranking island music which caused me to walk over and check it out. It was a really good spicy pulled pork sandwich 

Greg and Kathy were running a little behind, so I had to find a place to park nearby because I couldn’t get into their gated community without them. Bradenton and Lakewood Ranch is a really nice and I noticed a sign for one of the sales centers so I thought I’d check it out. There’s a long running joke with my mom and dad about the 3 of us moving to Florida like old people should. I went I there to grab some literature about the community and the costs involved building a house there.

This area is huge and has something for everyone at various price points. While I didn’t know it, the community that I stopped at was at the highest level and houses there start at $1.2 million; this does not surprise me one bit that I stumbled upon that one. I’m going to enjoy the look on my dads face when I give him the brochure.  I’ll tell you more about how the joke plays out later. 

Have I arrived at Phase 3 of Del Boca Vista? Pretty nice place, huh?

Greg hired 2 guys to help me unload the truck which is about 1 guy too many.  I told him all I needed was someone to help and we’d have the truck unloaded in less than an hour but the local moving company that he hired sent 2 guys so I didn’t argue at all. In fact, I just helped with some of the really small stuff, folded the moving pads and let them pretty much do all the rest. 

My job was just about over at this point. All I had to do was find a place to drop off the truck which was close to the airport. After making a call, I went into the bathroom to change clothes for the flight home. 

  
Not the biggest pool but I could deal with this. I’ll add it to my shopping list 

I followed Greg over to UHaul, dropped off the truck and then he drove me to the airport. Like I said, this is last call and the road trip is over. If any of you ever get the chance to drive across country, I highly recommend it. They don’t call it the freedom of the open road for nothing. Since I was driving a box truck, there was no rear view mirror because, well, it would be stupid to have one. 

Usually when driving, I have my GPS right under the rear view mirror and I check them constantly. On this trip those things weren’t present and while it was different, it was really nice too. On this drive I’ve reflected on how my life has progressed and while it’s had some bumps and bruises, all in all, my life is pretty damn good. 

  
My view from the bench at the smoking area where I wrote this. Flight doesn’t leave for a couple hours so my ass has been parked here

Over 1200 miles, several glasses of beer, several gallons of soda and a countless number of cigarettes later, we’ve hit the end of the road. I’m sure life is going to get back to my normally scheduled insanity soon and I’m looking forward to it. When you don’t have a rear view mirror, there’s nothing to look back at and maybe it’s best to leave it that way. It’s time to move forward. Maybe someday I’ll get back down this way again but if that happens it’s going to be a one way trip.